||ll||l|lll||l|
observation de vous;

observation de moi
on isolé tiennent le premier rôle
vous ne savez pas qui vous êtes
j'ai vous ai toujours aimé
mais vous avez pris mon amour pour accordé
parole au revoir

the 4 hearts

an almost perfect lady.

August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
September 2008

him: sometimes when you talk, i don't quite understand why you like to dissociate yourself from everyone else. you're not stupid you know.

---------------------------------------------

me: i wanna quit school.
him: (bursts out laughing)
me: what? why you laughing?
him: you are so cute la.
me: why? what did i do?
him: sometimes you just say the most random stuffs.


hey M man, it's just the innocence and purity you have that makes me so comfortable.

- everything's just temporary;
11:37 PM

- everything's just temporary;
1:19 AM

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

i raise up my hands to You. You are all i have now Lord. i kneel and pray to You; please do not forsake me. i love You, Lord.

- everything's just temporary;
10:06 PM

Sunday, September 23, 2007

i've finally got a topic to type on.

i've realised that people tend to rely alot on patterns and then plan their life upon those patterns. they put in so much trust on those regularities that it becomes part and parcel of their weekly/monthly/even yearly schedules. it's questionable how much they become so used to it that when there's a change in plans which they don't know about, they still assume that it's going to be the same patterns and nothing's changed. no wrong there i suppose. but to hear it from them in such a confident reassuring tone, it creates a sense of confidence in yourself to. so you save all your doubts and questions. then the disappointment comes in when you realise that what they've been telling you is not what's happening at all. so who's fault is it then? it can't be theirs totally when all the previous times its been the same thing over and over again. so i suppose its natural for them to think the same schedule will follow suit. but still the confidence they instill upon you into making you believe them only to find out later that it's not the case. that's pretty sucky.

questions.
so do we continue assuming? or do we check first? or is it the tone? who's to blame? what's to blame?

- everything's just temporary;
2:09 PM

Friday, September 21, 2007

him: "yu need to go clubbing tomorrow la."
me: "why?"
him: "because i need to dance with someone who can dance."
me: "arw, that's so sweet."
him: "and also because yu're turning into a chao mugger."

thats not true... or is it? i'm broke. i just spent 30 bucks on a pack of beers and cigarettes. shoot me. on the other hand, it's a long term investment.

whatever it is.

- everything's just temporary;
11:20 PM

Thursday, September 20, 2007

it shouldn't have been the case. i shouldn't have done all that i did. for her. and might i add, i really was thinking things would change, to be just like your family. how things were for you, being so happy and all. but i was so wrong. i could laugh my fucking ass off to be so wrong. what the fuck was i thinking. right? wishful thinkings. i forgot we shared the most different mothers in the world. i forgot while one was the best, so proud of you, the other was the worst, wishing i was never hers. exact words? i don't care at all about you, whatever you do has long had nothing to do with me. i don't care if you come home or not, what you do, who you go out with. i don't care. i've wasted my entire life on you.


yups. im a waste of space. and everything else for that matter. because im TOO FUCKING DUMB. TOO FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING DUMB. but fuck you right back! if i was too fucking dumb i wouldn't be where i am right now you fucking MOTHERFUCKER

- everything's just temporary;
1:14 AM

Sunday, September 16, 2007

cause when yu look at me in the eyes, i don't have to hear yu talk to know what yu want to say...

- everything's just temporary;
3:00 PM

Saturday, September 15, 2007

how is it possible to be so far away from someone when you have him right beside you. how is it possible to have your heart broken when he just made you smile. and how is it possible to look at someone and think of someone else. i don't understand how. is it even possible?


to have someone look so innocent about the thrash going in your mind, to have someone smile at you dotingly with so much heart while your tears come flowing out, to have someone just staying beside you to make you feel you're not alone. to have someone hold you close to comfort you with the presence. and yet your mind's still nowhere near. how much pain can you feel with that.


then to have someone else having a slightly clearer idea of how you feel, but doesn't believe you much. acts, pretends like he does, but actually doesn't. tells you, you're silly to be thinking of such wild things, a strong vivid, wild imagination. to say he's still around for you, but actually he's far from near, no longer bothers. its so surreal, the things that are happening around you.


i don quite understood the reason for the tears. i think the pain was unbearable and i really couldn't hold it in anymore. whatever was said, all the sounds, it was so loud though so soft and then the mind was a whirl. and it probably started off with that stupid bulletin.


if only yu knew... but when was the last time yu even bothered to know about something. how can yu say so much to me and judge me when you don't even realise that yu're lying to me. nothing is what it seems to be. i'm not okay. nothing about everything is okay. yet yu don't even realise it. because yu're so far away. and we're too far apart. and there's absolutely nothing pulling us back. nothing except for the huge amount of pain that i'm feeling. alone. even when there's someone, loneliness is the ultimate feeling. and its just me and myself. and yu know that. yu don't realise anything else but yu know that. i'm just so amazed at how yu play yur two roles so well. but if yu only knew...


I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me


I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth
'Cause you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...
Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

- everything's just temporary;
6:51 PM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

(: when i have great company while watching a rugby match with someone who supports the same team as me. cant wait for saturday night when i can finally see yu. (: absence makes the heart grow fonder, and yu make my heart beat faster. lovee.

- everything's just temporary;
12:06 AM

Sunday, September 09, 2007

the all blacks take on the italians and won with a whooping 76 - 14! (((((((: w dan carter and doug hewlett playing a hell of a great game. i love rugby! i don't quite know why. they're those 22 men on the field slamming each other on the ground but i just feel so good watching it. beats soccer handsdown! oh yeaa. but i have to say, italy gave a good fight themselves without any signs on giving up even in the last 20sec. (:


to the one i shared a morse code with:

I saw you across the dancefloor
Out of the corner of my eye
I felt the connection
I don't know how, I don't know why
I shouldn't of stayed
When I saw you there with another man
But as we slipped away
I thought I heard you say
This wasn't part of the plan

Just a meaningless kiss
It wasn't suppose to end up like this
Just a meaningless kiss
Ohh Ohh
Just a meaningless kiss
We knew it was wrong
But we couldn't resist
Just a meaningless kiss
Til I fell in love
With you
But you didn't want me to
Oh no

And here we are two years later
Too late to turn back now
We gotta finish what we shouldn't have started
We got to walk away somehow
But it's easier said than done
When two hearts beat as one
And three hearts are one too many
That's why we shouldn't have ever begun

We can't go on like this forever
When we're not meant to be together
So leave me here on my own
From now on I guess I got to dance alone

Just a meaningless kiss
It wasn't suppose to end up like this
Just a meaningless kiss
Oh oh
Just a meaningless kiss
We knew it was wrong but we couldn't resist
Just a meaningless kiss
But I'm still in love
With you
No matter what I do

- everything's just temporary;
12:02 PM

Thursday, September 06, 2007

i don't care if all the girls in the entire world love yu cause i know im yur only one. ((((:



that is what i mean when i say i feel totally secure with someone.

- everything's just temporary;
10:13 PM

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

i don't understand why i let her affect me. or is it him. i don't even know her, but she's living this 'relationship' for me while i'm living in her shadow. just the walk by, or the stop at. it has all been some time ago, but then i can see and feel it in his eyes, for that one more glimpse of her. and when i think about it, i feel like a complete joke. who am i to be compared to her? she's an awful lot pretty, she's an awful lot smart. and she attracted him. she made him fall in love with her. she's stolen so much of him, if not all of him. maybe that explains the friends, the views, the quiet judgements. so the past will just remain the past, but it is part of who we are today. sometimes when he talks of her, the look in his eyes tells him off. sometimes when he talks of her, i do feel like walking out. the part of his world that i can never enter, the part of his world which is so perfect without any blemishes, the part where if i stepped in at all, i would ruin. i based all my feelings without knowing why. if i put it in an awful childish way, i could say she stole my 'elephant'. if it was even understood. the way he speaks of her, i can't even feel like i hate her. she's really so perfect, she really is. that even i, no matter how jealous i am of her, i can't even say anything mean about or to her. she is that perfect that i would willingly give way for her, to the point where i wouldn't even step in to interfere because i'd have felt no right to. i'm letting it all in, i'm letting it all go over me. they say jealousy is a 'green-eyed monster'. but in this case now, jealousy happens to be a dark spot lying in a dark corner, slowly vanishing as each light appears, and appearing again when that light disappears. i could never have it all. that smile which he has, belongs to her. the laugh that he has, could be so similar to mine, but it also belongs to her. and his heart, and mind, they all belong to her. i'm standing at a side watching this affair pass me by. but i have an absolute no right to do anything about it. what a perfect picture, what a perfect story. they say fairy tales never come true, but this is one which could last. because even the bad guys have been mesmerised by her.

i wanted to be just like her. but that was just wishful thinking on my part.

- everything's just temporary;
9:38 PM

Monday, September 03, 2007

close your eyes now
try to sleep
try and think of tomorrow
twinkling stars are shining bright
they'll be watching you all night
one more hug
one more smile
kiss you once
kiss you twice
i'll be here
all the while
try to sleep now and close your eyes


when a small soft song rings in the head, goofy thinks about you.


----------------------------------------------------------

i cant believe i didnt meet him this weekend. i cant believe that its become so normal. dont go dont go dont go. no, memories, dont fade. dont dont dont.

i dont know what i want. i really dont know. i want to fall asleep. will there be the lullaby that has always been sung.?

- everything's just temporary;
6:29 PM